My Angel

My Angel

I suffered a miscarriage on my Angel between my 3 and 4th kids. Between Carly and Catie. That baby was due January 28th, 2004. But. We lost that baby. It was an early miscarriage, and I thought because I had 3 other healthy kids, that this would not EVER happen to me, but, it did. It shocked me. My pregnancy test came out positive right away, but I had spotting for the whole time of my pregnancy. This pregnancy just didn't feel right. Around 7 weeks, after having a lot of bleeding, after a trip to the ER due to lots of bleeding. My doctor even sent me for an ultrasound that confirmed that my baby's heart was beating. I still knew something was not right. The dates seemed off. I ended up losing my baby on Fathers Day 2003. I sat on the toilet, and out came my little embryo. It splashed out of me into my toilet and I cried. I pulled the "mass" out of the toilet, and washed it off in the sink and said a prayer for it. I cried because I loved that baby so much.

I went to a Father's Day celebration with my sisters, my parents, the in laws that day. It felt like nobody even believed that I lost the baby that morning. And I felt so alone and sad. I have photos from that day, and I looked so awful. It did not feel joyful. I felt so sad. Even though it was only such a short time. I had so many plans for our baby. Instead I had to flush my "baby" away. I thought, where is the dignity? That is a mental image I cannot forget. I will never forget my Angel.

Some things that helped me: Time, crying, talking, getting angry and remembering. My Papa who died shortly before the miscarriage, on February 18th, 2003 gave me a beautiful scented Peonie plant with pale scented blossoms the past November. Through all of my trips to the bathroom, and during my loss. Cliff clipped a beautiful bunch of peonies and placed them in a vase in the bathroom for me. I would look at that vase, remember my Papa. Now, each spring when the pink peonies bloom, I think of my dear Papa and my Angel. I know they are both OK. They are together. Now, each Father's Day I go to the garden and touch my angel statue and I smile, knowing all is well. I smile because I had the courage to try again.

I found a great website at http://www.innocents.com/ and if you click on Shrine Dedicated to Children Who Died Unborn on the left hand link, and then you can add your information about your lost baby. Then they mail you out a certificate remembering your Angel.There is also a poem about trying again after miscarriage. I really liked it and wanted to share here. I have that certificate, and the memory of this little one I would never know. I do believe that baby is with God. He or She is looking down on us, and is with my Papa.

A DIFFERENT CHILD

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow

Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the miles
There's a trace of tears,
One day

You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel, I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

written by Pandora Diane Widron

I went on in September to have a beautiful baby girl who we named Catrina. She is beautiful and healthy. But, the whole pregnancy I really worried that I would lose the baby, and I worried for the whole 9 months. To remember my angel, I keep an angel in my garden, and when I look outside, I have a wonderful reminder about the baby I lost. It is very comforting to me. My father also made me a silver cross. He has one for all of my kids which is very special and touching to me. I have 5 crosses now. 4 for my living children, and 1 for my unborn Angel. I consider myself blessed.

Cathy