Waiting Impatiently

I have not been sleeping well, and two nights ago I was screaming in my sleep. Cliff told me. I have been very worried and anxious about the outcome of what they will find at my appointment on The 15th of February. It is like I am losing touch with this baby, and my pregnancy. I feel like I am in this terrible inner spiral, and I don't know how to get out. I have so many emotions going through me. I am the one carrying this baby, and I have to be the one to feed the baby and really be the primary caregiver aka Mom when baby is born. Can I handle everything? I wondered that when we found out our family will grow by 1 more. 5 healthy kids are a lot of work, but imagine 4 with one child with disabilities? That changes everything for me. I am not capable of that.

I have been thinking of all of the possible worst case scenarios. From just a "stomach" problem which would require surgery in the first week of life, to the very worst case scenario of having a baby born with Down Syndrome. That thought scares me to tears and deep pain and sadness. I have had a sick feeling for the past few days, and I have a constant lump deep in my throat. It is the constant WORRY. All I ever wanted was a happy, healthy family. If a baby with Down's were to be born into our family what would we do, how would that affect our kids? I went to school where the kids with disabilities were in our school. I couldn't imagine how that would be for our family.

I have been really morbid, searching about things like a late trimester abortion...unable to do so in Canada. Only til 18 weeks. I also have been researching adoption. And thinking about what Cliff said...What would the kids think if we put our child up for adoption? How would we tell them that. But I seriously doubt my ability to parent a child with special needs, and how do I care for the rest of my family? Without really losing myself in everything that would happen.

I know seeing this in print, you would think what is Cathy thinking? What a bad Mom. Wow. How could she even think these thoughts! Well, this may be my/our reality. And, I need to process this information in whatever capacity I can. These past few days have been agonizing, painful and tiring. I feel so tired. So, tired. I am not coping really, just putting on a brave face, and really trying to remain positive. But, does this whole post seem positive? I only see the negative right now. And unless you have walked in these boots, what would you do?

I guess once the results are found on this ultrasound, we go from there. I hope that the tech has made just a terrible mistake, and everything is fine. If not, we will need to make choices. I would hope as I said before that if it is a stomach problem like duodenal atresia, surgery can happen. I hope they don't find any other soft markers of Downs. So far baby is very healthy, and no other markers were discovered. I have to rely on respecting my doctors opinion too! He asked me not to worry. But as you can see that is not working. I am on overload. I just want to run away.

If, there is the stomach problem, will I go for an amnio to rule out Down's for sure? Risk having a late term miscarriage? To find out that the baby is sick or healthy? To ease my mind as I enter the 3rd trimester in 3 weeks? Imagine going through 15 more weeks feeling so scared that this disabled child will be born? I am having these visions of a sick baby...

And say I do get an amnio, and the baby is Trisomy 21, what will we do? As I have mentioned before late termination in the US somewhere, or putting the baby up for adoption. Or keep the baby and deal with all of the problems a child with disabilities would bring. How would our family and friends react to each of these options? I would think I would have many enemies if I decided to do the unthinkable. Could I live with these options?!

Anyways. This is just a look into the window....this is just a bit of what is floating around my head these days. It looks terrible written down, and almost feel ashamed of not being able to handle what could be given to me.

I am praying for a healthy baby. I am trying to remain collected. Trying to live my life until I know for sure that my life would change for something I didn't expect.

Prayers and well wishes for our baby please. PLEASE.