Waiting Impatiently

I have not been sleeping well, and two nights ago I was screaming in my sleep. Cliff told me. I have been very worried and anxious about the outcome of what they will find at my appointment on The 15th of February. It is like I am losing touch with this baby, and my pregnancy. I feel like I am in this terrible inner spiral, and I don't know how to get out. I have so many emotions going through me. I am the one carrying this baby, and I have to be the one to feed the baby and really be the primary caregiver aka Mom when baby is born. Can I handle everything? I wondered that when we found out our family will grow by 1 more. 5 healthy kids are a lot of work, but imagine 4 with one child with disabilities? That changes everything for me. I am not capable of that.

I have been thinking of all of the possible worst case scenarios. From just a "stomach" problem which would require surgery in the first week of life, to the very worst case scenario of having a baby born with Down Syndrome. That thought scares me to tears and deep pain and sadness. I have had a sick feeling for the past few days, and I have a constant lump deep in my throat. It is the constant WORRY. All I ever wanted was a happy, healthy family. If a baby with Down's were to be born into our family what would we do, how would that affect our kids? I went to school where the kids with disabilities were in our school. I couldn't imagine how that would be for our family.

I have been really morbid, searching about things like a late trimester abortion...unable to do so in Canada. Only til 18 weeks. I also have been researching adoption. And thinking about what Cliff said...What would the kids think if we put our child up for adoption? How would we tell them that. But I seriously doubt my ability to parent a child with special needs, and how do I care for the rest of my family? Without really losing myself in everything that would happen.

I know seeing this in print, you would think what is Cathy thinking? What a bad Mom. Wow. How could she even think these thoughts! Well, this may be my/our reality. And, I need to process this information in whatever capacity I can. These past few days have been agonizing, painful and tiring. I feel so tired. So, tired. I am not coping really, just putting on a brave face, and really trying to remain positive. But, does this whole post seem positive? I only see the negative right now. And unless you have walked in these boots, what would you do?

I guess once the results are found on this ultrasound, we go from there. I hope that the tech has made just a terrible mistake, and everything is fine. If not, we will need to make choices. I would hope as I said before that if it is a stomach problem like duodenal atresia, surgery can happen. I hope they don't find any other soft markers of Downs. So far baby is very healthy, and no other markers were discovered. I have to rely on respecting my doctors opinion too! He asked me not to worry. But as you can see that is not working. I am on overload. I just want to run away.

If, there is the stomach problem, will I go for an amnio to rule out Down's for sure? Risk having a late term miscarriage? To find out that the baby is sick or healthy? To ease my mind as I enter the 3rd trimester in 3 weeks? Imagine going through 15 more weeks feeling so scared that this disabled child will be born? I am having these visions of a sick baby...

And say I do get an amnio, and the baby is Trisomy 21, what will we do? As I have mentioned before late termination in the US somewhere, or putting the baby up for adoption. Or keep the baby and deal with all of the problems a child with disabilities would bring. How would our family and friends react to each of these options? I would think I would have many enemies if I decided to do the unthinkable. Could I live with these options?!

Anyways. This is just a look into the window....this is just a bit of what is floating around my head these days. It looks terrible written down, and almost feel ashamed of not being able to handle what could be given to me.

I am praying for a healthy baby. I am trying to remain collected. Trying to live my life until I know for sure that my life would change for something I didn't expect.

Prayers and well wishes for our baby please. PLEASE.

3rd Ultrasound Appointment Booked

My 3rd Ultrasound appointment is booked for Wednesday, February 15th at 11:00 a.m. That is an agonizing wait isn't it. And the worst is I will have to wait until the 22nd of February to find out any new information.

Just wanted to keep you all updated. It is going to be very difficult to be patient and positive.

I am now 25 weeks, and I didn't feel like even thinking about that. I feel like I am losing touch with this baby. I feel so far away, and just cannot stop thinking the worst. It is like my heart has stopped beating until I know I have a healthy little one in here. I just want a healthy baby.

That is difficult. Pregnancy for me is usually joyful. But not right now. I am running on auto pilot. Counting down the days. I just want to know if we have a healthy baby, or prepare for something worse.

Cathy

The kindness and gererosity of others

Wow, the generosity and kindness of others never ceases to amaze me. The outpouring of love and support from online friends, family and other school moms just makes me feel so loved. I have received emails of support here, on my blog, in my email and family and friends. Wow. I really am blessed with a super support network. I ended up going to bed just before midnight, and I cried myself to sleep last night. Thankfully with a wad of kleenex in hand and with Cliff's gentle, soothing voice and caring arms around me. Telling me everything will be alright. I fell asleep.

Today, I talked to some school Mom's about my ultrasound, and some had similar problems. But, everything turned out alright. I will go on blind faith that everything will be OK. I just have to get through the next month. Thankfully I have lots to keep me going. Especially the joy that comes from loving my kids.

Cathy

A really hard doctors appointment

Well, I had one of those scary appointments today. One I am almost to scared to type down. I got the results from the 22 week ultrasound (because they couldn't visualize the heart well) so the heart is fine, but when they were scanning around they found a "Double Bubble" in the stomach. Which is a marker for Down's syndrome. I never took the triple screen. I never had for any of the kids. I am under 35. I just turned 34 in October. So, after getting on the scale and gaining 12 pounds in 4 weeks. And having OK blood pressure etc. To find this out freaked me out so bad. I started crying immediately, and I haven't stopped. I am still crying as I write this. My doctor is not worried. The baby doesn't have any markers that are associated with Down's except this one. I don't have any except for this ONE. But this one is scaring the heck out of me. I don't know what to think. Other than I feel that I have done something wrong or something. Anyways so now I have to go for ANOTHER ultrasound to check this out. Are they going to find more worrysome stuff? Is everything going to be OK? I am so freaked out. Today the heartrate was 144 bpm. I have a req. to go for the glucose screening around the 16th of February. I also will have this ultrasound. And now I will be worried until the baby gets here. I also am RH - so I have to pick up Rhogam for my next appt. So, quite a busy month for the baby and I. So scary. I don't know what to do for myself. Other than pray to God that everything will be alright. That is all I can do really. I am going to ask for good thoughts and prayers from everybody I know to help get me, and the baby through all of this bad stuff. Dr. D told me to rest more, and keep my feet up more. Almost impossible with 4 kids around. My legs are all swollen and I am developing veins on the left leg now too. That really sucks. All in all a really bad day today. It has been horrible. Really horrible. So, I spoke to soon when I said I have never had a really bad day. Today takes the cake. I am a nervous wreck now. I am just an emotional basket case. My Doc didn't even want to tell me about it because he knew how I would react. (By bawling my eyes out.) He gave me the biggest hugs to cheer me up though. I really think he is the most wonderful doctor. He really is. I also registered at the hospital today. That makes the impending arrival of Caroline or Carter very real. It was neat because after I finished writing up the papers. I ran into the wonderful nurse Becca who helped in the delivery of Catie. So that was good.Anyways, that was my hard day. I have burning eyes and I am tired. But I don't think I can sleep right now. I just needed to type that out so that maybe my head will stop swimming with bad thoughts, and what if's. Those are the worst.

Cathy

A Nice Poem

I'd rather be a mother

Than anyone on earth

Bringing up a child or two

Of unpretentious birth.

I'd rather nurse a rosy babe

With warm lips on my breast

Than wear a queen's medallion

Above a heart less blest.

I'd rather tuck a little child

All safe and sound in bed –

Than twine a chain of diamonds

About my foolish head.

I'd rather wash a smudgy face

With round, bright baby eyes –

Than paint the pageantry of fame,

Or walk among the wise.

- Meredith Gray

Week 24

24 Week 3 day Belly Shot

At just over a pound and almost a foot long, your baby is long and lean. And your uterus is growing along with him — it's now about the size of a soccer ball. His His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon, and his brain is growing rapidly.

---------------------------------------------------------

OK...a uterus the size of a soccerball! That is a scary statement when you hear it, and more scary when you feel like there is a soccerball there! If our baby was to be born, we would be at the age of viability. So that is a relief. I truly believe this baby is in for the long haul, and I expect that the baby will come out early on Mother's Day. That would just make having this last baby the greatest gift! I would forever remember that special day. The baby is moving more regularily now, and I can certainly feel the baby. This baby is very gentle so far, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful period.

As for my body, I am gaining everywhere, which further makes me believe there is a little gal in here. My wedding rings have been officially retired until June or July. And, now I have varicose veins sprouting up in my left leg. And, with previous pregnancies...the left leg was unaffected. Not the case with pregnancy number 6. But, what I thought was a bruise during my longer runs...were actually those veins. So...pregnancy is making them worse. The vascular surgeon is going to have fun with me! I am now feeling the phyisical heaviness of my body, and belly. I feel the blood in my veins, I get tired when I walk the stairs.

I have a hard time washing dishes, and always get my shirts wet. My mat jeans always fall down! I would think that after all of these pregnancies I would be able to find a pair that stay up. NOPE. Still searching. I guess I will never know the secret to that! That is why I welcome spring. So I can go back to dresses and skirts! I feel the ache in my body, and the tiredness from awaking with a 16 month old who is teething. My left hip aches, and sometimes my sciatic nerve is aggravated by baby who presses on it.

As for feeling ready...I look at it like this. I can never be fully prepared for what lies ahead. I have been losing sleep over my ability to parent 5 kids. Will I manage, will we manage? With each new child that enters our household, a new set of challenges arise. But usually they work out. Especially with September coming and having a Grade 1 full day, a morning kindergarten and a morning preschool. I cannot be in 3 places at once...that makes things harder. I will have to work on blocking out that mental clutter. I will have to create a solution. Hopefully some dear parent friends of mine can give me a hand...I just need 15 minutes of help!! I am really hoping we can swing having Cliff stay home for a month or two.That would be divine. And so little stress.

I am constantly thinking of the tasks I will need to do...painting, putting up the crib...washing the little clothing. Wondering if I truly have enough. Again, if it is a boy...worrying about doing another circumcision. Ahhhhg.

I am very excited knowing that I only have 15 weeks and a few days to go! Wow. I will have another little one to love and help grow into another wonderful person. I love this baby with all of my heart already. The bond we have is a miracle. I have a miracle growing within me. That is a beautiful thing. Makes all of the pain go away. Especially when I hear the excitement of the other kids wondering just who is growing inside of me. AWESOME.

Cathy 24 weeks 3 days
__________________

My Angel

My Angel

I suffered a miscarriage on my Angel between my 3 and 4th kids. Between Carly and Catie. That baby was due January 28th, 2004. But. We lost that baby. It was an early miscarriage, and I thought because I had 3 other healthy kids, that this would not EVER happen to me, but, it did. It shocked me. My pregnancy test came out positive right away, but I had spotting for the whole time of my pregnancy. This pregnancy just didn't feel right. Around 7 weeks, after having a lot of bleeding, after a trip to the ER due to lots of bleeding. My doctor even sent me for an ultrasound that confirmed that my baby's heart was beating. I still knew something was not right. The dates seemed off. I ended up losing my baby on Fathers Day 2003. I sat on the toilet, and out came my little embryo. It splashed out of me into my toilet and I cried. I pulled the "mass" out of the toilet, and washed it off in the sink and said a prayer for it. I cried because I loved that baby so much.

I went to a Father's Day celebration with my sisters, my parents, the in laws that day. It felt like nobody even believed that I lost the baby that morning. And I felt so alone and sad. I have photos from that day, and I looked so awful. It did not feel joyful. I felt so sad. Even though it was only such a short time. I had so many plans for our baby. Instead I had to flush my "baby" away. I thought, where is the dignity? That is a mental image I cannot forget. I will never forget my Angel.

Some things that helped me: Time, crying, talking, getting angry and remembering. My Papa who died shortly before the miscarriage, on February 18th, 2003 gave me a beautiful scented Peonie plant with pale scented blossoms the past November. Through all of my trips to the bathroom, and during my loss. Cliff clipped a beautiful bunch of peonies and placed them in a vase in the bathroom for me. I would look at that vase, remember my Papa. Now, each spring when the pink peonies bloom, I think of my dear Papa and my Angel. I know they are both OK. They are together. Now, each Father's Day I go to the garden and touch my angel statue and I smile, knowing all is well. I smile because I had the courage to try again.

I found a great website at http://www.innocents.com/ and if you click on Shrine Dedicated to Children Who Died Unborn on the left hand link, and then you can add your information about your lost baby. Then they mail you out a certificate remembering your Angel.There is also a poem about trying again after miscarriage. I really liked it and wanted to share here. I have that certificate, and the memory of this little one I would never know. I do believe that baby is with God. He or She is looking down on us, and is with my Papa.

A DIFFERENT CHILD

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow

Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the miles
There's a trace of tears,
One day

You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel, I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

written by Pandora Diane Widron

I went on in September to have a beautiful baby girl who we named Catrina. She is beautiful and healthy. But, the whole pregnancy I really worried that I would lose the baby, and I worried for the whole 9 months. To remember my angel, I keep an angel in my garden, and when I look outside, I have a wonderful reminder about the baby I lost. It is very comforting to me. My father also made me a silver cross. He has one for all of my kids which is very special and touching to me. I have 5 crosses now. 4 for my living children, and 1 for my unborn Angel. I consider myself blessed.

Cathy

The Birth of Catie

Here I am pregnant and 39 Weeks with Catie

(on her birthday, September 9th, 2004 before leaving for the hospital)

Well...this pregnancy (5th pregnancy) was emotionally more difficult for me. I had an early miscarriage the past June (June 15,2003,) and so I worried a lot, and was really sad she was going to be our last. I just wanted this little trickster to come out and be in our arms, and join our family. So, I kept getting checks, my due date with Catrina was September 16th...all of my past kids came really early...so when I was 38 weeks, almost 39 weeks. After sweeping of the membranes, I was walking around for several weeks at 3 cms with soft cervix nothing happened. I begged Dr. D to break my water and get things going. Originally it was going to happen on September 8th (Cliff's bday), but the ward was too busy. So, after crying and sadness. I called into the ward and said...please can I come in today. I called at 5:30 a.m. on the next day the 9th...the perfect day to have a baby I said. 09 09 04! They told me I should be resting...ya right LOL. They said come down for 8:00 am! Gladly. They put me on the monitor...no contrax of course. Then at 9:00 am Dr. D came in and broke my water. I was 39 weeks to the date....So, by 9:10 water was broken...I had some light contractions, they admitted me into a nice sized room. I had to stand a lot to get things going, the ball didn't help for this birth. I stayed hydrated, used the washroom often. But, I had to stand. Pretty much the whole day! So, by 5:00 pm. Things started moving. I was in control, I felt good. Dr. D even brought by my cousin Andrea and her husband Kirby to come in and "see a pro in labour" LOL. I even asked if they wanted to come in for the birth...they said no...they were expecting their first one month after me! So, really...after they left. I used the gas. Cliff was at the head of the bed, my sisters at the foot. Video and photos by them. I had the mirror ready to go. I really only pushed maybe 4 times. After the first push I could have had her head out, but I got freaked, stopped and the contractions stop...I think my emotions stopped everything...sad that this would be the last baby. I pushed 3 more good pushes. Dr. D said I think this looks like a boy head...I am like nope it is a girl head. I am having a girl. At 6:10 pm out came Catrina Lauren. Weighing in at 7 lbs. 5 oz...our largest baby by far, but she still looked tiny. She was peaceful, quiet, soft peachy pink colour taking in the world with her big wide open eyes. She was perfect in every way. She was born during the Cruise In Weekend. That evening Cliff and I watched from our hospital room 3 fighter jets flew across by the airport way, and it was like 3 came before her, saluting her or something. And to me she was such a true miracle. The sun was streaming into our room as I delivered her...it was like we had been blessed by her in our lives. I actually cut the cord this time...that was really neat! Something I will never forget. I cried so much after her. I was soooo emotional. She breastfed like a champ!! We stayed at the hospital for 24 hours. We were so glad to bring her home.

The Birth of Carly

This is me about 37 weeks pregnant with Carly Ann

I was 30 years old


Carly Ann was originally due on August 19th (Cameron's original due date), but at my 18 week ultrasound, they bumped me back two weeks. So they changed the due date to September 4th. So, on the 18th of August we were at our friends house celebrating a bday of another August baby. We had a good time, and she had this great vase of flowers out...a big clear square vase with Seedum and other white and greens. I joked with her...Kim I hope that the baby comes tomorrow on Cameron's original due date, and then she said if you do...I will bring these flowers for you. I said OK. So we went home. Well, wouldn't you know. It is August 19th, and around 5:30 in the morning. I feel faint contractions and they were happening every 5 mins or so. And when I got up I felt a bit of a leak...but a really small one. So, I read somewhere to lie back down for twenty mins, and stand up and see if there is more of a leak...there was. So, I called our neighbours and put them on alert...I called the hospital to come check if that was really amniotic fluid, and to put me on the monitor. I didn't feel rushed or in pain or anything. So, I got ready...went for a good walk around the neighbourhood. And I still had really light contractions. (a first for me!). So, the neighbours came over, and we drove off to the hospital. Almost there, I say to Cliff. Let's just turn around and go home. I don't think anything is happening anymore. It is probably just false labour. Cliff said...no lets go. Get checked at least. So we did. We got admitted into a room. Onto the monitor I go. Oh yeah I was having contractions. Nurse checked me and I was a good 4-5 cms. I was laughing, relaxed. Joking about. I felt great. Contractions were not hard at all. Dr. D came in and checked me, and chatted with me...I was 7 cms. Still joking etc. The nurses were sure talking about me at the station. They were frantically preparing the room for delivery. I was as calm as a cucumber. I waited for all of my people to be in the delivery room. My dh Cliff, my Dad, my Mom, my MIL, my friend Kim (with the flowers LOL), Cliff's 17 year old cousin, and my two sisters. So, a full house. The contractions then got stronger. I was laughing during the gas, and when I inhaled it sounded like Cliff's snoring...everybody was laughing at my comment...from 9-10 cms. I remember shushing the MIL at one point. I wanted quiet. I got quiet. Ready to push. Well I pushed maybe 6 times, and out comes Carly's head. Dr. D said it looks like a girl head...I agreed. I was looking in the mirror. Pushed and out she came into the world. Carly Ann was born at 1:34 pm (on my Doctor's lunch break yet--he was happy about that) 6 lbs. 14 oz. Everybody left, I breastfed, had lunch LOL. Kim came back with her girls, and brought the vase of flowers for me. I still smile when I use that vase. She was supposed to be our last...but as you know...she wasn't.

Cathy

The Birth of Claire

This is me pregnant and in labour with Claire Allyson

(water had broken at night, heading to hospital)

Claire Allyson...she was due March 19th...and on the 23rd of February, I had just finished getting my hair done at the salon (I was determined not to have roots as I did in Cameron's birth)...Cliff came to pick me up. He asked if I wanted to go for dinner...nope. A movie? nope. Didn't feel like it. I was tired and restless. So, we picked up fast food. McD's in fact. We ate. We drove home. I took out my pregnancy journal and began to write in it about my day. I felt a warm trickle...a familiar feeling. I continued to write. Another trickle. OMG my water is broken...I do not believe it. This is 4 weeks early. It cannot be. My sister phoned me, and asked if I wanted to meet them at the local Tim Hortons. I said...uh...shocked. I think I am going to have the baby soon. What?? I told her. I called Cliff into the bathroom...My water has broken...he was in disbelief. We called the hospital and they asked us to come in. So at around 10:30 pm we made our way to the hospital. I got the "big room" this time. Yes...I hardly had any contractions all through the night. So, at about 9 am my old L and D nurse from our first set of prenatal classes Judy was my nurse! That was awesome. She got me on the big ball and had me rolling about...the contractions started...they got harder and harder. So, my doctor arrived just around 10:30. I had a nurse, and another nurse was invited in to watch a "beautiful birth"...too funny. So...I had a bit of gas, got ready to push, Cliff at my side, and my sisters at my feet. About 20 mins later at 11:00 am on the nose. Claire Allyson was born February 24th. It was a beautiful February day and sunny! She was 6 lbs. 12 oz. and was COVERED in vernix...she was so white and soft, and had downy hair on her back. She smelled so good. She had a bit of trouble warming up, so she was in her warmer, and had a temp. patch on her to make sure she stayed warm. Eventually she did. I got to breastfeed her. She latched right away. She did so well. My Sister's were there for her birth, and April rubbed my feet, and Amy took pictures. The rest of the family came in right away to see her...a sister for Cameron! I called her my little tulip, as somebody brought tulips to me for her birth. Beautiful pink ones. A big box of Tim Bits were brought in too...As others call her a Timbit as I ate A LOT of those and hot chocolate during my pregnancy. We went home 2 days later.

Cathy

The Birth of Cameron

Me pregnant with Cameron back in 1999

I was 27 years old

Cameron was born August 3rd 1999. His due date was August 19th...He is our first born. I found out I was pregnant with him in November 1999. We told the family at Christmas dinner. They were so excited because he was the first grandchild on both sides, and all of my cousins. So, flash forward to August 1999. It was the long weekend in August. Hot and sweaty. We had lots of things to do that weekend. On the Saturday we had an open house with the family to show them our new townhouse. On the Sunday we went to a 50th Wedding Anniversary for family friends. It was hot, and I could hardly sit on the chair. On the Monday, we went to visit a friend who was at the hospital at RCH. I was climbing up a hill towards the hospital and I had some "pains"...finished visiting...got home. Went to bed, got up went to the bathroom in the middle of the night...around 1 a.m. This is August 3rd (37 weeks)...started to climb back into bed...my water broke...ran down the hall towards the bathroom...sat on the toilet...woke Cliff up by yelling "my water broke...get me a towel"...called my parents, called the hospital. Tried to rest...couldn't...Cliff went back to bed. No contractions...went to the hospital in the morning sometime. The hospital was soooo busy. They put me in a "non stress test room" and hooked me up. Mild contractions. Sent me to the cafeteria at 4cms...have some toast...water. Walk to bring on the contractions...boy did they pick up. I had to lean against a chair on the way out of the caf. Got back to labour and delivery floor. No rooms for me...back into the monitoring room. Contractions pick up...hard to breathe...this is a couple of hours later...I felt like we were forgotten about...so they came back, they checked me and I was almost 10 cms...so they got me into a wheelchair, and it was a tiny little lady, and she kept bumping my legs on the doors and walls. I finally got a delivery room. The smallest, ugliest room in the ward. I had a bit of gas to take the edge off. Checked me...I was at a 10! They had me pushing in all sorts of directions...over the toilet (hated the smell of the sanitizer) in bed, on my side...I pushed for 2 hours. I listened to an Enya cd over and over LOL, and Cliff was there, and my two sisters. My sister Ape massaged my feet with peppermint lotion, my other Sis Amy took photos. At 7:02 pm. It was thundering, raining and sunny...Cameron Earl came into the world weighing 7 lbs. 1oz. on the 3rd of August. I had a bit of hemmoraging after...they had to give me an IV to give me something to stop the bleeding...it finally stopped...I looked awfully white, and there was an emergency down the hall...so all of my nurses and dr. were out of the room. Cliff called somebody back to check on me...I felt weak. So...two hours later, the hospital ran out of dinners, so Cliff left me and got me a sandwich from Subway (BLT)...that was the best sandwich I had ever eaten! After breastfeeding and recovering...my family was allowed in...that was after 9 pm...they finally got to see this awesome little guy Cameron...they were all crying and smiling...it was a really great moment in time that I will never ever forget.



Cathy

This is the longest 9

...or should I say 10 months.

I have been pregnant since August, and when you do the math, I am 6 months pregnant and still have 4 months to go. Excuse me, but I know I was not the best in math in school but isn't 6 + 4=10?! See...pregnancy is 10 months long, not 9. I have been pregnant since the beginning of the school year, and will be pregnant almost to the end of the school year. That is a long time if you look at it that way.

I am starting to have a hard time getting up and down off the floor.

And now several people have asked if I am carrying twins.

Nope...I just get big people!

Remember all of my other pregnancies!? How soon we forget.

And now everybody wants to touch my stomach! And I get a lot of looks. And open mouth gasps as they count my kids and look at my belly. 1, 2, 3, 4 and WOW! You are going to have 5 kids.

I have also heard? So, which ones are yours? Do you do daycare? Nope, and nope.

They are all mine thank you very much!!

I also get...

You are crazy!

You are brave!

We also hear how expensive these kids are going to be, especially when we send them all to university. All 5 kids to university, at the same time? I ask you this...Did you go to university? Did your parents pay for your education? I don't think all of our kids would chose this route, but if they do...we will decide what to do at that point!

Oh wow...3 girls...I feel sorry for you. Oh, poor Cameron with all of those sisters. Feel sorry for me? I don't. We will have 3 awesome girls, who will eventually grow up to be outstanding members of our community! We are raising little adults...not babies!

As for Cameron, you feel sorry for him? He has his own room, he has good friends, and when he is 16 he is going to have all of these sisters...with good looking friends. So many girls to date!

I feel sorry for the people who choose a small family or even not to have kids. Because when we add to our family, our love does not just double, it multiplies.

We have a lot of joy in our lives. No, I don't think we will ever be rich in a monetary sense, but rich with love and a family of 5 kids! Think of those Christmas dinners 10 years from now! Wow. It is going to be so fun!! I have so much to look forward to. We all do.

It does take a special type of parent to raise a large family! It is hard work, tiring, frustrating, gives you grey hair and wrinkles, sleepless nights, joy and pain. I am glad I am a Mom to my kids because really I was born to do this! I could go out and work, but I am so GLAD that we made the choice of making it a priority to have me stay home with the kids. I am truly blessed to have a husband that gives his best every day to make that happen. Cliff is the hardest working 33 year old that I have ever met. He is a great husband, and super dad to all of his kids! He is hands on, and so great. I cannot imagine life without him. He makes the household what it is! Without Cliff life wouldn't be as great as it is!

This stage of life goes too fast, and I am so blessed to be able to be the one at home with them! I cherish every moment. Soon, this phase of diapers, preschool, school and the business of raising a newborn, a toddler, two preschoolers and a grade schooler will be no more.

My wish and prayer is that our kids grow up to know that they were loved and cared for with a total love and devotion. And that they knew that we were there for them every step of the way. I want them to grow up knowing this!! And hopefully raise these 5 kids up right!! So that they will do the same with our grandchildren and great grandchildren!

Sweet Caroline*

Where it began
I can’t begin to knowin’
But then I know it’s growin’ strong

Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Who’d have believed you’d come along ***Hmm...

Hands, touchin’ hands
Reachin’ out
Touchin’ me
Touchin’ you

Sweet caroline
Good times never seemed so good
I’ve been inclined
To believe they never would
But now I Look at the night
And it don’t seem so lonely
We fill it up with only two

And when I hurt
Hurtin’ runs off my shoulders
How can I hurt when I’m with you
Warm, touchin’ warm
Reachin’ outTouchin’ me
Touchin’ me
Sweet caroline

Good times never seemed so good
I’ve been inclined
To believe they never would
Oh, no, noSweet caroline

Good times never seemed so good
I’ve been inclined
I believed they never could

Sweet caroline

This song has been playing in my head for several days, and yesterday on Oprah...guess who was on there singing this song?! Neil Diamond, and baby was moving when the song was playing!

Could this be Sweet Caroline in my belly? 16 more weeks to go!

Week 22 4 day Ultrasound Photo

Profile/Face

Our sweet little baby who was 22 weeks 4 days here.

These were from my second ultrasound on January 11/06th.

This marks the last ultrasound I will EVER have.

Cathy

Week 22 Photo with Fin

A photo Op with Fin

(the Vancouver Canucks mascot at a bday party my daughter attended last Saturday)

Week 23

Week 23 Belly Shot

Feeling pretty good? Turn on the radio and sway to the music. With her sense of movement well developed now, your baby can feel you dance. Those dainty fetal movements have progressed to karate kicks. You may even be able to see your baby squirm underneath your clothing. You may notice throughout your pregnancy that some symptoms subside while others surface. These days, for example, you may find that any tension headaches you'd been getting are a thing of the past, but your feet may start to swell soon. (Time to get out your roomiest, most comfy shoes or invest in a new pair.)

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Well...another week is here! I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy is going! Soon it will be over with. Baby is moving about, I enjoyed the ultrasound this past Wednesday. Still have to post those photos of baby's profile and head. Too cute. Can you tell I am so proud. I have been getting this familiar, weird ache under my ribcage in the right side. I have had this with every pregnancy. I definately look and feel pregnant now. Baby moves about, but is very gentle so far. We will see if that pattern continues or not. Other than that, tired. Hard to get to sleep, and I try my best to gett comfy. Worth it though. I am so excited to meet this baby, but I am not ready yet. I still have lots to do!!

I have been nesting. Cliff came home the other day, and I had the elements out of the stove top, and washing the rings and pans. I organized his drawers...and cleaned out his closet. Trying to prepare. Next it is time to pick out paint for Cameron's room, and paint that, and the bathroom. Also get the crib out of the garage/dresser too. Need to talk to my cuz about getting the little boy stuff back so I can prepare for either sex baby. I have all of the girl stuff here. Lots to do, but it is not like I haven't done this before. I can do it. I want to do it. I want to be prepared.

Oh yeah...today I went to try on my cream coloured cords that I purchased in my first tri, and I couldn't fit the pants past my thighs...I say GIRL...I know everybody thinks boy. I think girl for today! I cannot get the tune of Sweet Caroline out of my head today.

That is it for now!

Cathy

Oink Oink

I know I am a PIG...

(atleast in the Chinese Zodiac symbols)

but do I have to look and feel like one too?


Oh well...I can start running again in August/September 2006! Looking forward to the runners high! I miss that feeling.

But, I am loving the moving baby in my belly though!!

Lots of movement today!

Cathy

2nd Ultrasound - Check

Well, I had my second ultrasound appointment today. Thankfully there was an awesome technician who took care of the appointment. She turned the screen towards me and let me watch the whole scan. Baby was relaxed and on its back, not afraid to show "it's stuff". She said "This baby is not shy". I guess because the parts were right there...I looked away.I told her "I don't want to see parts, and I don't want to know"Of course I really would LOVE to know RIGHT NOW...as would the rest of my family. But, really what is another 4 months to wait. She said everything looked good. I watched her take measurements of the brain, legs, heart...and baby was very cooperative. Baby was swallowing, opening it's mouth open and closed, and had a hiccup. Baby was moving it's legs all about, and arms. Almost put finger in it's nose. Too cute.

I am in love with my new baby. I have two new photos to share also! I will put those up when I get a free minute. She said due date is 13th, 17th or 18th I guess according to the measurements. Awesome. I always have early babies, and like I have said before I really want to have this baby on Mothers Day, which is May 14th. How awesome would it be to end my "pregnancy days" on Mother's Day. The perfect ending to my perfect family! And, I really don't want to share our anniversary on May 9th. I would like to keep that to Cliff and I. But, really...I am very good at sharing. I share my birthday with my Dad and my little sister. I was born on my Dad's bday and my little sister was born on my 3rd birthday.

So, dear little Caroline or Carter...I cannot wait to meet you. Whomever you are, you are very special, and have your own personality already! Very exciting.

We are all waiting with open arms baby. xoxo

Cathy

Drum Roll Please...

We have names...and we love them!

Caroline Mae

or

Carter Detlef

(excited to meet you in May Baby)

Nameless Baby?

Some more names we are working on:

Possible Girl Names:

Caroline Eva

Caroline Mae

Carmelle Macy

Possible Boy Names:

Carter Detlef

Carson Detlef

Curtis Detlef

Any suggestions for us? Has to be a hard C sound, and must "work" with our other names in the family...

Cathy

When?

This is so cute, so I thought I would post it here. I chose green as I couldn't find a better choice!

I wonder what will show up here on February 1st! Just like I wonder who will show up around Mother's Day!

Cathy

Week Number 22

Week 22 Belly Shot

Your baby's beginning to look more like a newborn now, with more distinct lips, eyelids, and eyebrows. He's even developing tiny teeth buds beneath the gum line. Your stomach may become a hand magnet — people will touch it without asking permission. It's okay to say no. And if people are telling you that you look smaller or bigger than you should at this point, remember that all women grow — and show — at different rates. What's important is that you see your practitioner for regular visits so she can make sure your baby's development is on track.
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Well...18 Weeks to go, and I remember saying I cannot wait to get to 18 weeks because that is the week I will see the baby for the first time on ultrasound. So, this Wednesday brings a second ultrasound to visualize the heart, to get a really clear picture. So, another little sneak peak into the uterus. Hoping and praying everything is alright. As, there should be nothing to worry about. But, being a Mom I worry all of the time.

I am certainly feeling a bit more tired, a bit more puffy. But trying my hardest to keep things as normal as possible. Trying to spend as much time with my kids as possible. Cliff is now talking about taking a 2 month Paternity leave in May/June. That would be great, and then less stress for all of us. If we need to nap, we can nap. If we want to stay in bed, we can stay in bed. And thanks to some awesome suggestions from Fellow Kidswap Mom Donna...the idea of a babymoon. I am so excited about that. 1 week without visitors...and I can stay in my Jammies and just concentrate on breastfeeding, and loving this next baby.

As for names...pretty much we have Carson or Callahan and no middle name LOL or Caroline...with no middle name. I do like Mae for a middle name. And today I really like the name Carmelle...I think because I have been eating so many caramels. So...really no closer in that department.

I have been noticing puffy ankles and legs, and a new set of varicose veins in my left leg.
Thank goodness for vascular surgeons!

Cathy

ACID REFLUX

Another Joy of Pregnancy I forgot about:

ACID REFLUX

Yuck. Last night was such a horrible sleep for me. I am turning into an insomniac lately. I don't get into bed and really tired until way after midnight. And, Catie has been waking about 4-5 times a night now with teething. This has lasted for about a week. So, finally I fall asleep after reading a magazine. The new issue of HALF their SIZE People Magazine. So, I fall asleep with Cliff snoring beside me. Then Catie gets up probably and hour later. I feel this burning, yuck feeling in my throat and mouth. ACID reflux. I forgot about that part of pregnancy too. So, I propped my head up with another pillow. Then I tucked another pillow between my knees. Well. I fell asleep, and Catie woke again. Same gross feeling. Well, upon waking again this morning at 7:30...I still have it. SO GROSS. I still have it now.

Cathy

Why Pregnancy is Hard for Me...

This list is for when I mention to Cliff (after this baby is here) why I shouldn't do this again!

And I say to Cliff...What about one more honey, just one more? It wasn't that bad. LOL

Varicose veins, now starting in my left leg
Morning sickness that lasted till about 15/16 weeks
Gagging every time I brush my teeth
Tired all the time
Sciatica in my back
Nasal stuffiness
Hard to sleep at night (insomnia)
Hard to lift the youngest baby with a belly
Bending is an ordeal
Getting harder to put on jeans (hard to lift up my legs)
Too much worrying
Shaving is hard
Putting on weight, when I worked so darn hard to get the weight off again

I will add here, even as I remember/point out my difficulties during pregnancy...but still I could do it again. It will be hard to have Cliff get the big V. It will be hard to let go of this part of my life. This part has been the best, and most rewarding (and challenging and frustrating) part of my life. All the troubles have been worth it. I get sad just thinking about ending this chapter of my life. What will I do to fill that void of babies in my life. I guess pray for grandchildren!

Cathy

This baby needs a name!

OK,

So now we have for a Boy:

Carson Detlef

Curtis Detlef

Callahan Otto (Cal for short)


And for a girl:

Caroline Nicole (Carrie for short)

Caroline Mae

Caroline Paige

Caroline Eve

Will this baby ever be named...what do you all think???

Cathy

Week 21! Wow

Your baby now weighs about 12 ounces, and you may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. Some babies are restless in the evening, for example, just as you're trying to fall asleep. Others get busy during the day.
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Well...I cannot believe I am in week 21, and I did not even take a photo. Probably better that way. My body is sure changing. I have been having troubles with my sciatic nerve in my left side. That sucks. Other than that...the usual.

This baby is very quiet so far, maybe this baby will be like Cameron. I was thinking boy, but now I am leaning back towards girl. Just my hunch. I think because everybody THINKS it should be a boy, it will be a boy. I am excited either way. I know what to expect either way. My only concern with a boy is doing a circumcision. I know that it will have to be done. My husband will have it no other way. We had Cameron done, and I was so upset during and after. Still I am bothered and this is almost 7 years later. So...if it is a boy I will lose that battle. That is why I have been more than happy to have all of my girls.

We are re-thinking our names AGAIN. We have another huge list on the fridge. Hopefully by May we can confirm some names. I guess we just want to give the baby the best name possible! Who wouldn't. But the process is taking FOREVER.

I have been nesting already. I cleaned out the computer cabinet. Some shelves in our room. Discussed paint colours for Cameron's room. Changes to our bedroom. I have the urge to get everything in TIP TOP shape. I am also trying to decide if the baby will sleep in the old basinette that I slept in, my sister's slept in. And my 4 kids. It is a wooden wicker and it is warping now...the wicker that is...So...I have some decisions to make.

I am getting more excited because I am close to 6 months along! How exciting. Can't wait to meet you baby. I get to see you again on the ultrasound on the 11th. And I pray that everything is great with your little heart. I am sure it is fine, but hard to wait to confirm that.I love you so much baby.

Your Mommy Cathy